5 Ways to Soothe Dating Anxiety

Have you ever had that all consuming, gut wrenching, obsessive thoughts, can't concentrate, 'this is all too much' anxiety? Waiting for the next text, waiting for the next date, re-hashing in your mind every word said on the last meet-up... here are 5 simple strategies to change your nervous system state and soothe that anxiety!

Anxiety is often given a bad reputation, something we should be scared of, frustrated with, or need to get rid of. It may relieve you to know that:

Anxiety is a healthy and useful emotion that we all need for survival as humans. Anxiety helps alert us if there is a potential danger, remember tasks that are important to us, alert us to our values, and plan and organise for the future. Think of it like a friendly notification system.

How does anxiety function in the body? Just like a fire alarm will go off if there is smoke, if there is a potential threat in dating then the Amygdala (a small almond shaped part of the brain) will fire and trigger a cascade of physiological and cognitive changes:

-Our heart rate and breathing will become more rapid to move more oxygen to our main organs so we can 'flee' or 'fight' the danger, muscles will tense to prepare us to move.

- Cortisol a stress hormone will be released to give a short burst of energy (affecting the gut which creates 'butterflies' and change in appetite)

-Sleep will become more difficult (makes sense if there is a tiger around the corner!).

-We can also get rapid thoughts focused on dangers and worst case scenarios, difficulties with concentration and memory, and a mindset of scarcity 'this is my last shot at having a relationship!'.

-There will be a sense of urgency and need to 'do something!', even if we don't know what that something is.

5 Strategies to Soothe Anxiety:

1. Get into your body.

When Anxiety in dating is high, it is hard to listen to the message it is trying to tell us, we are flooded by stress hormones and the thinking brain temporarily goes 'offline'. The first step to soothe anxiety is tap into your nervous system via the body, to change it's physiological state so you can both 'think and feel' at the same time.

- Relaxed breathing. Breathe in for 3 seconds, hold for 3 seconds, breath out for 6 seconds. Repeat for 2 minutes. This will tap into your calming nervous system 'parasympathetic' focused on rest and recuperation.

- Cold water. Splash your face, have a cold shower, put an ice pack on your forehead. I don't have time to go into it now but google 'divers reflex'! If our body is in contact with cold water it will slow heart rate and breathing and bring you into the present moment.

- Movement. To help excrete stress hormones and release endorphins our bodies need to move, go for a run, take a yoga class, or simply do star jumps in your bedroom- get that heart rate going and sweat!

2. Problem Solve

Our anxiety likes to know we are listening to it, hear it's message, and have an action plan to keep us safe. Get a piece of paper (or notes on your phone) and write down all your worry thoughts. Pick the most pressing worry thought and then write down as many solutions as you can think of (be creative!). Then think of one action you can do today towards that plan. E.g. Worry thought: 'What if I ask him on a date and he says no'

Possible solutions: I will organise plans with a friend, I can organise a new date next week, I will remind myself it is better to find out if he is showing up for his 50% of the relationship earlier rather than later, I will call instead of text so there is less ambiguity.

TIP: focus on things within your control, not what is out of your control!

3. Self-care

If our nervous system is low on self-care then dating anxiety can be exacerbated. Like filling a car up with petrol, or caring for a pet, there are core self-care actions that nourish our bodies and minds, and help stabilise our nervous systems. Are you running low on any of these self-care acts, and which one can you focus on this week?

- regular meals and water (3 meals a day, 2-3 snacks)

- adequate sleep (at least 8 hours)

- exercise (at least 30 mins 3x per week)

- social supports

- activities to provide achievement or enjoyment

4. Self-soothe

Sometimes our worry is activated in situations where we do not have full control, or cannot take action yet (which is frequent in dating!). In these situations it is best to soothe the nervous system and provide a sense of safety (emotionally and physically).

- Focus on soothing the 5 senses: These may sound like small actions but each time we soothe a sense it tells our nervous system we are safe and can turn the anxiety alarm off:

e.g. light a candle, take a bath, listen to relaxing music, drink a delicious tea, smell lavender oil, walk by the beach, sit in the sun, talk to a friend, wrap yourself in a soft blanket.

5. Learn new skills

Our nervous system is more prone to activating survival responses, such as heightened anxiety, if that is the only coping skill we have to get through the challenge.

In order to have a sense of agency and confidence in dating, it is important to gain new knowledge and skills for coping with uncertain and challenging relationship situations. In dating, skills to increase can include assertiveness, managing difficult thoughts and feelings, clarifying goals and values, approach to creating and maintaining/ending dates, and learning to take effective action.

Read a book, follow a podcast, or see a specialist!