Dating Thoughts: "I'm not (smart, pretty, interesting) enough"

Do you experience thoughts of not being 'good enough' in dating? People I work with commonly experience this core belief in the dating journey, manifested in different variations of thoughts:

"I'm not interesting enough"

"I'm not beautiful enough"

"I'm not smart enough"

"If someone gets to know the true me, they will see I'm unloveable"

The good news is: It's normal to have these thoughts & it's ok that these thoughts are there!

But: It's not ok if you listen to them blindly, treat them as pure facts, and base your actions from these thoughts. We don't need to get rid of them, or argue with them, rather we want to relate to them differently.

Here are 3 KEY STRATEGIES to manage the 'I'm not good enough' belief:

1. Understand the function of 'not good enough' thoughts

It might sound strange, but our brain is trying to help us when conjuring up these thoughts. Our brain's job is to problem solve and make sense of situations. We feel safe and in control if we know what is coming. In dating there is abundance of uncertainty, change, and unpredictability. A date goes well, but then the person doesn't reply to the next text and 'ghosts' you. Or you can have plenty of matches on the online app one week, and the next couple of weeks get none.

The easiest way for our brain to make sense of this is to self-blame, the 'I'm not good enough' story. If we are to blame, then we can change ourselves, get control, and alter the situation. Even though it is painful to have 'not good enough' thoughts, it can feel easier to tolerate them than to accept there are many situations we don't have control over, and never will.

The first step to manage these thoughts is notice them with curiosity and non-judgment. Remember this is a normal function of the brain, it is trying to help you get control in dating, but it does not mean we should listen to them blindly and treat them as pure fact. After all we have thousands and thousands of thoughts a day- if we believed every one we would be VERY confused. If I think "I am a lady beetle" this does not make it true, same goes with the "I'm not good enough thoughts"!

2. Check the facts

It is common for our brain to have biases in the way we think, extreme and all or nothing. These biases also occur for thoughts in dating. If a certain thought has a strong emotional intensity, or we have been told/thought it for a long time, then our brain will search for evidence to match that thought.

e.g. Someone has the thought "I am unloveable if someone gets to really know me", and the brain searches for facts to support this thought - memories of their relationship breakups, dates where they were ghosted, the time their friend said they were 'selfish'. The brain in this biased state will not acknowledge evidence against the thought, e.g. they have multiple people who choose to be long term friends with them, millions of people have had dating/relationship experiences that don't work out, some people may not like us but this does not mean we are unloveable.

Notice when your mind has 'all or nothing' thoughts and ask yourself:

"Is there another way to look at this?"

"What information am I missing?"

"Is there a best case, and middle case I can think of?"

You don't need to create pure positive thoughts, our aim is to get more flexibility and detach from our biased thoughts.

Next validate the emotion behind the 'I'm not good enough' thoughts, e.g.

"It's really tough when someone does not reply"

"This hurts and I feel sad as I truly want a relationship"

"It's ok to feel anxious right now".

Lastly, ask yourself: "What situation is my brain trying to control?" And "How can I soothe my nervous system right now?" (You may refer to the blog post '5 Ways to Soothe Dating Anxiety').

3. Act 'Good enough'

People often believe that confidence, self-esteem, and empowered action, come after they achieve the results they desire in dating, e.g. are in a committed relationship. And they wait for this magic time point when everything comes into place...but they wait and wait and it doesn't come.

This is because our thoughts create how we feel, not the dating circumstance. If someone thinks 'I am not smart enough', then this thought will create feelings of doubt, anxiety, and shame. They will base their actions from this thought and not say their opinion or have a confident manner e.g. eye contact lowered, soft voice, hunched shoulders. This in turn changes how people can react to them, e.g. not pursue the conversation, which feeds back into the thought 'I am not smart enough'.

To begin to feel and think 'I am good enough', we need to take action from this standpoint. Act as if you already believed you were good enough, even though you may not fully believe it (yet!). For example, someone acts from the thought 'I am smart', and talks passionately on a topic, sharing excitedly their point of view, eye contact, easy manner, clear tone of voice. These actions would help attract people who are a good match, and filter out people who aren't. And the more someone acts from a 'good enough' mindset, sets healthy standards and shows their authentic self, the more it reinforces their belief- 'I am good enough'. Which you are!!