Dating multiple people: Are you responsible for their feelings?
A question from a coaching session…
Hi Lovely Readers,
Recently, I was asked a question in a coaching session:
“What do I do if I’m dating multiple people and I like them all, but I’m not sure yet who I want to commit to? Will the others be OK with this? I don’t want them to have any awkward feelings.”
On the surface, this sounds like a very reasonable concern.
We don’t want to hurt people. And when you’re dating, it can be completely appropriate to allow connections time to develop before deciding whether you want to become exclusive.
But as we explored this question further, something else became clear.
“I don’t want them to have any awkward feelings.”
Is that reasonable or realistic?
No.
Not because we shouldn’t care about other people’s feelings — but because we cannot control them.
We cannot control another person’s thoughts, feelings, intentions or behaviour.
You could communicate honestly, act with kindness, be thoughtful and do everything you can to avoid unnecessarily hurting someone…
…and they may still feel disappointed.
They may feel awkward.
They may feel sad.
And while those feelings might be uncomfortable, they aren’t inherently bad.
Emotions provide information. Someone feeling hurt or disappointed might be noticing that they wanted something different, have a particular need, or have reached one of their own boundaries.
That information belongs to them.
Your responsibility is not to prevent them from ever experiencing uncomfortable emotions.
Your responsibility is to consider how you want to show up.
In this session, we came back to my client’s own values:
How do I want to date? What does honesty and integrity look like for me? What am I comfortable communicating? What kind of person do I want to be in my relationships?
Those are questions we have much more control over.
So rather than asking:
“How do I make sure nobody feels awkward or hurt?”
Try asking:
“Am I behaving in a way that is honest, respectful and aligned with my values?”
You can care deeply about someone’s feelings without taking responsibility for managing them.
And sometimes, dating with integrity means allowing someone else to have a feeling you wish they didn’t have.
That can be uncomfortable.
But uncomfortable doesn't necessarily mean wrong.
Dating with confidence and clarity means learning to distinguish between what is yours to take responsibility for — and what belongs to someone else.
Want more dating psychology tips?
I share practical, psychology-informed dating and relationship tips over on Instagram, where I unpack common dating patterns and offer tools to help you date with more confidence and clarity.
Follow me on Instagram @nadine_clinpsych_datingcoach for more. 💛
“It takes two people to create a pattern,
but only one to change it.”
— Esther Perel
Sydney, Australia
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